Well, you know the old saying "out of sight, out of mind" so i forgot to take this thing out of the car for the past 2 weeks. Anyways, last night the whole thing comes to a head.

I'm driving home from rehearsal and it happens I'm feeling a shit attack hit me in the worst way. At this time, I haven't had a shit attack in 5 months, so my sphincter muscles must have been weakened or some shit, because I was about to burst.

At first I thought "shit, I can hold this bitch 10 minutes till I get home", then I realized I was house sitting at Gina's and a trip to my house would be out of the question. her dog hadn't eaten dinner yet, and needed to dump as well by now. "Fine" I thought, "I can make it the 15 minutes to Gina's".

My car was now careening down 670 west. the windows were open, and the air was cool.

As I passed the Grandview exit, I started to think of places I could shit off the next few exits. as many of you know, I got "safe houses" all over Columbus. "Safe Houses" are the places I like to shit at while away from home, or at least feel that I can take a comfortable dump in peace.

No dice. This was the near west side. I was directly in the middle of 2 safe houses. It was a certain 12 minutes to anything remotely decent. Seconds after passing the Grandview exit, I hit what mark Levien refers to a "stage 9", meaning: forget the safe house, just find a bathroom!

There were no wave like contractions; it was time to give birth. As the pressure began to intensify, my brow became wet with perspiration. My left leg was now braced, locking my foot into the floor board. My hands were clenched in fists and I was practicing every thing from breathing techniques to positive visualization just to try to make it some place…any place.

A sign post ahead indicated that route 33 was the next exit a mile ahead. There was no choice. I needed to take that exit. My mind reeled to think of the places I could deuce at, but it was no use. 33 was an industrial parkway, meaning everything is closed during the weekend and certainly closed at 9:17on a Saturday night.

I threw caution to the wind, and forced the wheel to the right. As I got on the exit, I realized that because of construction, this exit was just opened in the past week and I had never actually used this exit.

Driving…driving…driving…nothing. The exit was 3 miles long and there was nothing in sight. I drove about another 3/4 of a mile when I realized I was now at a stage 9.6. It was over. I could feel this monster fighting its way out. "God Damn!...” I thought, "Just a few more minutes...sweet Christ, what kind of madness is this?"

”Stop the car" I thought. "just get out here and shit" there's no one on this exit and I can shit in the bushes". "Sure…Why not?" I agreed.

Now, I had heard of a certain fella who had to take a shit so bad that he stopped his car and shit in the bushes. He then used his underwear as toilet paper and went on with the drive. I pulled over. No cars in sight. I hit the hazards.

Do I turn the lights off? Should I shut the engine down? What if I drop my keys in the poop? What if I leave them in the car and..."Fuck it, grab the keys...LET'S GO!...FUCK”...I’m not wearing any underwear!"

Goddamn, it was true. I was wearing my low cuts, and you know i can't wear any britches with those sexy things. "Think, what can I use? COME ON, COME ON...HERE IT COMES!!!..."

The grass on the side of the road was so just planted, and there for not a reasonable resource to clean the backside of what was about explode. I looked around the car..."NO, not MARVEL'S THE ULTIMATES #9...! I hadn't even read it yet!”, but it's all I got, and when you gotta, you gotta.

Goddamn this bastard monster! As I reached back to grab the comic, my peripherals spotted a light blue corner just inching under the seat. "YES!" I shouted. I grabbed the peace flyer, and jumped from the car.

I cautiously leaped over the guardrail and carefully moved down the steep slope to the edge of tall bare bushes.

It was all pure animal instincts and the passion for survival from there on in. I remember looking across the bushes to the slow moving river, then across the river to all the sleeping factories and warehouses. It was so peaceful, so serene. The air was cool and refreshing when the wind moved across the river. Silence. The sky was clear and the stars were bright. Not one car passed me. it was like i got "time out" and was invisible to the world, just me having this amazing dump on the side of the road.

I read that flyer from top to bottom. i carefully ripped it in 8 pieces and used it the way god intended me to use it. the way we should all use them.

True story.